behindthemask - Diary

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If i could, i would live with you forever, i know.. But i dont even know who you are, dont know where you are, why aren't you with me?

I know you are beautiful, because.. everybody's beautiful. And everybody hurts, you know.

I've already hurt you, you've already hurt me. Where are you dear?

Who am I? Who am I, in your eyes?

How does your eyes look like?.. Are they full of tears? Tears nobody see

I cant cry anymore, somebody took that away from me, but stiil, these people can make me cry.

I cry everytime they judge me, judge me for crying

If i could, i would cry all the time, cry for you

Last time i cried, you told me i shouldn't. becouse you misunderstood me

When I cant cry, with tears.. i cut myself, cut myself to cry, crying tears of blood.

It feels good, it feels good to cry that way

When I cry, with tears from my eyes, it hurts..

It hurts, because my heart hurts when I'm doing it, and mostly, the pain doesn't fade away.. Not even for a while, like my bloody tears does.

That's why I'm doing it.

I hate myself

sometimes I want people to hate me, more.. just to give me a reason, to hate myself even more

I like to see myself hurt, i like to hurt myself, that's why i keep memories ind my head for so long, so they can help me hurt myself

I miss those time now, even though I didn't even like them before

I hated her, she broke me, but I still keep thinking of her, thinking of them, 

and it hurts, it hurts inside my chest

But noone see that, not even when I tell them, or ask for help,

and if they see, they forget

Maybe they dont meen it that bad, they hust want me to forget, but I cant

Nobody likes me anymore, and i guess that's okay with me, because it's my own fault.

I should start, start to think like a normal human

but Im not?

I'm not normal, and I know that

I should might be proud of being original, but that way people look at me, says I should not, 

that's why I'm not, not proud of myself, not proud of being me

I dont even know who I am


I cant do anything, cant do anything right

I'm boring, i know, that's why she left me

I wasn't enough, she wasn't for me either,

but I still loved her, from the bottom of my heart.

I made myself love her, even though I didn't do.

she loved me, or that was what she told me,

even though she also loved another, 

but I was sweet, I did everything, I waited three hours in the cold rain at her, while she was together with her love..

I hate myself


Not just because of this, but everything else.. too


I love you, but I dont know what to do with my love

you can make me smile, and.. at this time i cant smile all the time

i feel sick, but nobody really understands

i have a life to live and love, but i just want to.. sleep and listen to suicide music,

while melting razors to get the blade out

i dont hurt myself that way now, you told me not to, and because you believed me, I did too

but everything's ready if anything goes wrong

you know that too


This year's almost done and gone

everything i've been going through is away know, everything i've fighted for, cried for

next year, might be my last, and might be my first

start of a new, just like this year, a whole new life, that killed myself inside and out

right now i'm nothing but pain and emptyness inside

i hope for something

i still have hope, maybe it's you who gives me?


the song i've been listen to while i wrote this, is

hope - who am i to say

it cant make me cry, some time ago, it made me cry, real.. 1 tear.. i was so happy afterwards, feeled free, like after cutting a whole arm up, but this time there was no scars to hide.. you helped me to cry, bevause you told me not to, that made me sad, why shouldn't i cry? why wasn't it okay when I did? anyways...




- i'm not perfect, forgive me?


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